It Hurts

As I look through past posts, I notice our little Daniel is missing from many entries. As a mama, I feel bad. I feel as if I sort of neglect him. As if I favor the other children. It makes it look like maybe I love him less… None of this is true. As a matter of fact, Daniel has such a very special place in my heart ~ one which is difficult to share, but one that is so, so deep!

When I discovered my lack of writing about our sweet boy, I wanted to know what was keeping me from sharing about him, telling his story or asking my readers to pray for him, too? It was an easy answer to find but a harder one to share. It comes down to this ~ I miss Daniel more than I can possibly explain. More than I can possibly share. More than I truly want to admit. It hurts to miss him. It hurts to share it. And, it most certainly hurts to admit it.

Daniel is such special little boy. He comes with a very special story most of us will never truly understand or comprehend. For a little boy in Haiti, his story is pretty typical. This fact does not make it any less sad.

It was Daniel’s story that drew me to him. His story forced me to listen. When I listened, my heart cried. My heart cried and opened up. It opened up wide. As I held this little boy in my arms and heard his story, my heart broke. My heart broke for him. My heart broke because of his story. It was because of the story and the sweet little boy I knew I wanted to be his mama. I wanted to be his mama and help change his sad story into one full of happiness. I wanted to help write this sweet, little boy’s story. I wanted to add chapters to his story. I wanted to add good chapters – chapters of love, chapters of happiness, chapters of a forever family.

Daniel’s story is what makes me miss him. His story makes me miss him deeply! I am so ready to help write the next chapter of his life. I am ready to help make great changes and loving opportunities for such a special boy. I have been ready to do this for a very long time. I am ready.

It is not time for Daniel to come home to begin this new chapter. It will happen. It will happen when the time is right. I am truly okay with this. I am okay waiting. However, waiting does not make it hurt any less ~ especially if I think about it. If I think about all he could be doing, all I could be doing and all we could be doing together as a family - it hurts.

Daniel’s story will be a difficult one to turn around. However, I am ready to help turn it around. I am ready to hold him, rock him and hug him endlessly. I am ready to make him smile, make him laugh and make him happy. I am ready to tell him I love him every day; I am ready to make him feel loved every day. I want him to know he can be happy and feel this love every day. Wanting this hurts.

It hurts to think about all I can be giving Daniel if he were here. It hurts to think about all I want to give Daniel when he is here. It hurts thinking about his story and wanting to change how it plays out. It hurts thinking about when I learned about his story and what he went through. Since it hurts, I try not to think about it. I try to put it aside. I don’t think about it and I don’t worry. I try to remain positive. I think about all the wonderful opportunities and growing he is doing at the orphanage. I think about all the blessings he is receiving living at Angel House. I think about all the blessings we receive going through this adoption process.

I don’t write about Daniel often. I know why I do not write about him. I don’t write about him because I miss him. It is also okay to miss him. It is okay to want him home. I just wish it didn’t hurt so much.